every day is a panic attack.

sometimes i have to convince myself really hard why i am doing this. why am i working all these hours for no money. there are the boring times where i am at work with no one to talk to and my knees hurt and i still have to be there. and there are the stressful times of trying to keep everything together and get it done. all still for no pay. sometimes, there is this voice in the back of my head questioning why i am here. why did i move so suddenly without actually thinking about it. why am i working so hard, having so social life what so ever? what if this doesn't pay off. what if all of these dreams that i have are just that, just dreams. life would be easier if i could just have that 40 hour a week job where i have a normal life and i actually get to see and talk to the people that i care about.

why do i have to have this drive to be something big? my biggest fear is failure. and what if that happens?

i think what i am doing is pretty okay. i even have a rich gay man taking me to dinner while i am in new york. complete strangers tell me that my desserts are the best that they have ever had. but what do i do with that. do i start to get some sort of ego? that isn't mean. i am always trying to prove myself. i will never think i am actually all that good.

damn high school sidekick girl that lives within me. (another story, maybe one day i will tell)

i figured out how to make fruit paper. yes, fruit paper. i made this coconut mango panna cotta and i wrapped it in kiwi fruit paper. the thing is i made up all of the recipes. if this is what i am doing after having my own menu for just a couple months...do i get my hopes up for the future?

i have issues with getting my hopes up. oh my issues that people don't realize. people don't know me as well as they think they do. i don't let them.

i push myself to go so far so fast because in the back of my head i think this will all end one day. i have this feeling that i am going to die before i am 30. i mean, i know that sounds awful. and i really hope it isn't true. i just always felt this need to get things done quickly.

i really hope other chefs have as many issues as i do. i was once told all great chefs are insane. i think i may fit that mold.

blast from the past, card taking austrian randomly texted me tonight. i haven't talked to him for about a year and a half. he was trying to hook up with me? i don't understand.