sometimes it gets lonely

i taught my first cooking class yesterday. i was awkward and i talked too fast and not loud enough. i am a horrible public speaker. i can talk to people one on one but the minute i have to get in front of a crowd i start to panic and i just don't know what to say or who to look at while i am talking. but, for some reason everyone in the class liked me. they loved the dessert that i made (which was the lemon cardamom baked meringue). one man, who is a regular, commented that it was the best dessert that he had ever had there. this whole compliment thing is still very weird. i don't know how to take them or what to say. than, at dinner i had to sit down with this couple and make small talk while they ate my dessert. that was easier on me, but i had found out earlier that night that this couple were swingers and they often pick up couples at the restaurant. the whole time i was sitting making polite conversation they kept saying how cute and talented i was. awkward situation all around. i think i might have what it takes to make it...but when i say and think that i feel too narcissistic. i wonder if there is a balance?

it is the nights that are hard. i am a social person. i always have been. i love my friends and being around people in general. so coming home and going to bed and getting up and going to work 6 days a week gets hard. i don't have anyone to vent to. i know it has only been two weeks, but this is the first time i have let myself really think about it. i want to find both. where i can love my job and love my life. and after seeing the sex and the city movie, i want to move back to new york to see if i can find it. just one year here and then i think i want to go back to the city.

doesn't help that the one person who thinks you are wonderful and talented and talks to you almost daily lives there.